Monday, December 8, 2008

What?

Interrogation room. A, B, C, are interrogating. F is blindfolded, back to audience. D, the stenographer, is in the corner. E and G are hidden in the audience, front row.


A:
A garden is no place for a man like you!

Pause

C:
We know you are the last one to have been with her. We know you talked to her.

B:
We have video of you walking into the club with her.

C:
We’ve seen your face.

B:
You see, clubs have video--

C:
and we know it was you.

B:
Videos see all. They see your hopes, your dreams, your sins!

A:
Videos are the windows into the souls of the doomed souls!

Pause

C:
What does that even mean? Honestly, it was even redundant.

Pause

C:
So why don’t you just stop lying and tell us what you did with her!

B:
What did you do with the innocent young woman?!?

C:
Not going to speak are you?

B:
Probably not.

C:
Rhetorical.

B:
Can we try it again?

C:
No, I was working the sinister angle, and then you go and do that. I swear, every damn time.

B:
Come on, just do it. We can start over. (Directing at F) He doesn’t care.

C:
No.

Silence

A:
I will tear your limbs from the places whence they came!

C:
Did you just say “whence”?

Pause

A:
I don’t know.

B:
“whence.”

A:
Huh.

Pause

C:
I kind of liked it.

A:
I don’t know what it means.

B:
It sounded damn good.

C:
“Whereupon” is another we should use.

B:
Oh check this out: “Whereupon we apprehended the criminal from whence he came, we found no evidence whatsoever of his countenance.”

C:
You should use that.

B:
Maybe I will. When is our next press conference?

C:
What do I look like? Your secretary?

B:
That’s not what I meant, come on. You’re always like this.

C:
What the hell does that mean?

B:
You know exactly what it means.

Silence

B:
If we don’t get this stuff out in the open, we’ll never get past it.

C:
I just don’t want to talk to you right now.

B:
Well, I am speaking to you right now. Listen or not. Ever since we kissed, things have been different. They have. That was completely natural, what don’t you get about that? Yeah, so we work together, but we need to work past it.



C:
You’re making a scene.

B:
No, I am not making a scene. I’m trying to have a conversation. We can have a conversation later. Would you like that?

C:
(Quietly)
Yeah.

Silence.

C:
What did you do with the body!?!

B:
I can feel your fear. Tell us what you did with the body and this can be over.

C:
Simple, it’s very simple.

B:
We all get afraid, you sick bastard.

C:
I can feel your fear.

He tries to adjust the interrogation light. Burns his hand. Fails.

B:
The fear is consuming you, isn’t it you bastard!

A:
Once I was afraid, I was petrified, and—

C:
(Interrupting)
Is that ABBA?

A:
What did I say?

C:
I think you quoted ABBA. (To D) Read me back that last part.

D:
“Growing to over 20 feet and rarely seen, the Greenland Shark is one of the few sharks known to live in arctic waters.”

B:
Really?

D:
Yes. It is.

C:
Huh. I wonder what the others are.

Pause

C:
Just tell us where you dumped the body and this can be over!

B:
You sonofabitch.

A:
Five minutes with me affirms the inevitability of life!

Pause

C:
Answer me or you will not be a happy man.

B:
Speak damn you!

C:
Alright, don’t talk, don’t talk you sonofabitch, now you see what happens.

C and B exit. A walks over, pushes him. Slaps him. Prods him. No response. Steps back.

A:
Oh you’re good.

Hits him some more.

A:
Come forward with your sins!
A tries a different approach. He hides in the corner, and he tries to sneak up on F. Sidles over. Screams in his face.

A:
Well-trained.
He hits him some more. Cautiously checks to see if he is breathing. Lifts the blindfold. Astonished. Pokes him. Nothing. Tries to give some weak CPR. In vain. Knocks on the door. C and B enter. A averts his gaze.


B:
Well that was quick.

A:
(Recovering)
Quickness is a product of my movements!

Pause

B:
Yeah!

C:
How did that feel you sonofabitch?!?! Now are you going to speak? Tell us what you did with her!

A walks over to the corner.

A:
He’s lost the life that flows in us that which makes us people of the heart!

B:
And the law!

C:
Stop that. Don’t encourage him.

B:
I always wanted to say that.

C:
Well now you did.

Pause

B:
I killed a girl last week.

Silence

C:
Wait, is that what you always wanted to say?

B:
No, the part about the law.

C:
Huh. (Tentatively) Would you read me back the last minute? (motioning toward D)

D:
“I once ran a 4:15 mile.”

A:
The greatest feat of human engineering is the mile!

Silence

C:
This play doesn’t make any sense.

B:
Drama is an impotent art form.

A:
Drama is the!—wait. You just said you killed a girl last week.

D:
Moss only grows on the north side of trees.

C:
OK, you know what, you be quiet. What are you even writing down?

D:
It makes about as much sense as this play does.

Silence

C:
I’ll disregard that comment.

B:
Why do you have to go and do that?

C:
Yeah, all you do is take us off topic. All the damn time. And quite frankly, it’s annoying.

B:
We’re in a murder investigation, and you’re just the stenographer, so why don’t you just mind your own damn business.

Pause

A:
Drama accomplishes nothing but an idealism of the soul!

C:
Good to see he’s back. Look, did you kill the girl or not?

B:
Did you?!?!

C:
No, you.

B:
Oh. Probably it was—

A:
Distractions hide the pain which burns inside the psyche of the individual!

C:
Fantastic.

B:
Me.

C:
You?

B:
Me.

C:
Then who is this?

A:
I’m on second.

B:
Who’s on first?

C:
Fucking magnificent.

Pause

C:
I thought we had something for a second.

A:
This man has had the force of living transformed into the sleep of the doomed!

C:
Poetic.

A:
That’s my purpose.

C:
Really, that’s it? You could have told me.

A:
Sorry.

Pause

C:
Who said he killed her?

B:
That would be me!

C:
So who is this guy?

B:
I thought he looked suspicious.

D:
“Light in August.”
Pause

B:
Oh, Faulkner. Well said, interesting novel.

A:
Greatest American author of our century!

B:
What is our century?

C:
We’re purposely timeless. Huge aid to the stage manager. Difficult job. Pressure is enormous.

B:
Truly amazing what they must do. Truly overlooked. Taken for granted.

C:
Night after night, out here, braving the ego and the technical.

B:
How so?

C:
Well, stage managing involves dealing with pretty much everything that goes on, from the technical aspects—i.e., lighting—to the artists themselves, and the egos they bring with them.

B:
I hope someone learns something here tonight.

Pause

A:
Suspicion breeds enmity!

Pause

C:
Oh, right. This guy. He “looked suspicious?”

B:
Well look at him!


C:
True, what a bastard.

B:
He has to have done something bad in his life.


C:
One just gets that feeling.

B:
Gives me the damn chills.

C:
(At F)
I hate your type.

E enters from audience, waving arms.

E:
Ok, ok.

C:
You didn’t like it?

B:
It was really flowing.

C:
I’m really living in this character.

E:
Well, you are doing tremendous but the writing—

D:
It’s miserable. It reeks of some aspiring playwright contest.

A:
You just have poor taste.

D:
What? Where’s the story? Such a fucking cliché. The use of “meta-theater” is novice at best. It seems forced and awkward. Either you stick to meta- or you don’t. You just don’t switch around. Where’s the exposition? Where’s the dramatic question? And, even more so, where’s the development of the story?

A:
We are developing.

D:
No you’re not.

B:
Yes he is! Just not in the usual way.

E:
Shut up, all of you.

C:
I do feel there is a lack of “something happening.” We are really riding on one thing here, and it starts to get old. Yeah, comedy is created in contrast, but does this contrast really have any substance?

D:
There is only so much absurdity the audience can take. It’s tiresome. Like getting kicked in the head over and over again. The author is self-indulgent in his “cleverness” and has no ear for dialog.

B:
Sorry if this isn’t Shakespeare or, or Pinter, or McDonagh, or, or that magical Beckett.

C:
You had to say it, didn’t—

D:
Now, Beckett is—

B:
(mocking) “true theatre. Theatre, like Calvino said of art, can either affirm the continuity of life or the inevitability of death…”

A:
“yet Beckett defied both. That, my friends, is theatre.”

D:
I’m quitting.

E:
No you aren’t. We are putting this production on, whether you like it or not. We have an obligation to the season planning committee. Someone—I am not naming names, but let’s just say he teaches a class all of you have taken—

B:
Professor Donnell.

E:
Thanks for that. He argued that this play possesses certain less weighty aspects which may work well for an opening production. So now we have to do it.


D:
Fine. Fine. But this dialog is horrible. Who the hell speaks in this staccato? It is so blatantly unrealistic. No substance.

C:
(Motioning toward F)
Did he fall asleep?

D:
It’s like we’re escalating toward something, but nothing is happening in this play. Even A’s “suspected homicide” doesn’t come to anything. Every one of us has read the damn play. You know I am right.

C:
That’s true. There really is no climax.

B is walking towards F.

B:
No fucking way. He totally fell asleep. Wait, no climax? Shouldn’t you love it then, Mr (s). Beckett-is-my-lover?

A is walking towards F. Laughs at the above comment.

A:
He fell asleep in rehearsal!

D:
I am better than all of this rubbish.

C:
Oh, yeah? Good to see you even used “rubbish.” You’re from New Jersey. You’re such an ass.



E:
Everyone just shut the hell up. We have a show to do—will somebody wake this moron up?

B walks over. A walks over. They blow on him, screwing with him. He does not respond. They giggle. Everyone’s laughing, improvising dialog. They continue. After awhile, F has not responded. Slowly they change from hilarity to nervousness. Slowly. F does not respond. B taps him hard. Nothing. They look around. C checks his breathing. He is dead.


A:
He’s dead.

Silence

B:
Isn’t it funny that this was in the play?

D:
This is funny? Are you fucking insane? We are acting a bullshit play and one of our fucking actors just died.

B:
At least coincidental.
D hits or tries to hit B.

D:
What the fuck is wrong with you? This man just died.

B:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just, I don’t even know.

D:
No idea what the fuck is going on? That man is dead. He is dead. He was alive 15 minutes ago, and now he is dead. Does that clear things up?

E:
Shut up. Just shut up.

Pause


C:
What the fuck are we going to do?

B:
We have to do something.

E:
What does that mean? What are we going to do? And that we have to do “something?”

B:
It means exactly what I said, call the cops or something. He could still be alive.

A:
When did he die?

D:
Who the fuck knows?

C:
Why the fuck does that matter? We have to call 911.

B:
I can’t believe this. He was alive 15 minutes ago.

A:
Did anyone see him die?

E:
Who has their cell? Someone call. He may still be alive.

A:
He’s definitely dead.

C:
Who has their cell? Who has their damn cell?

A:
He’s dead.

B is sitting down. Visibly confused.

D:
Don’t fucking sit down. Where’s the nearest phone?

C:
All of the offices are locked. In the other building there’s one.

E:
No one has their cell? Holy shit, we have to call someone.

C:
I’m going.
C exits.
A:
I have mine.

D:
Why didn’t you fucking say so?

A:
I’m not calling.

E:
What the hell are you talking about?

A:
I’m not calling.

D:
What the hell is wrong with you? Fucking give me your phone you idiot!

A smashes phone.

Silence

B:
You.

Silence

E:
Holy shit. You killed him.

D:
No he didn’t, we have no idea, what the hell is wrong with you?

A:
I touched him last.

D:
Look, was he alive when you screwed with him back in the interrogation scene?

Silence

D:
He was alive, wasn’t he?

E:
You murdered him.

D:
He was alive when you hit him, wasn’t he?

B:
You killed him.

D:
Why aren’t you saying anything? Fucking say something! Say you didn’t kill him! Say it!

E:
This is insane. Stuff like this doesn’t fucking happen.

D:
Say you didn’t kill him!

Pause

A:
I can’t.

E:
This isn’t happening.

B:
You killed him.

D:
Just shut up, shut up!

E:
People just don’t die like this. This isn’t TV.

D:
What the hell are we gonna say?


B:
(Outburst)
What the hell does that mean? What are we going to say? We’re going to say that this fucking psychopath somehow killed him in rehearsal. That’s what I’m fucking saying. What do you think I would say? That he didn’t do anything? Look at this fucking situation: we are all in here, none of us touches him, fucking killer over here goes to town on him, he was alive, and now he is dead. That’s it. End of the fucking story. (At A) And end of your fucking life.

Silence

D:
How the hell do you know he did anything?

B:
Because I know none of us did anything. And he was alive. And then we left the room. And now he is dead. And because he won’t say anything. Will you?

Silence

E:
None of us were in the room. This is like some shitty sitcom.

D:
None of us were in the room. (To A )Are you going to say anything? Say something!

Silence

C enters.

C:
The police will be here soon. As soon as they could.

Silence

What the hell is going on?

B:
Our best actor over here took his part a little too far.

C:
What the hell does that mean?

E:
Murdered him.

C:
What are you all talking about?

B:
Murder.

C:
Are you all insane? What the hell is going on? No one killed him.

D:
He was alive. We left the room. Star actor is in the room alone beating him up. We come back in. He’s dead.

C:
This is ridiculous. All of you are fucking insane. The cops will be here soon. We don’t know how he died. You didn’t kill him, did you?

A:
I don’t know.

B:
You fucking know that you did. Plus I will be more than ready to tell them. I’m not going down for murder. I want no part of this. As soon as the cops get here, I will tell them what I know. And what I know is that I didn’t kill him, you didn’t, you didn’t, so that leaves you. And no one else can say anything else.

E:
So what do we do now?

B:
We wait.

Pause.

Everyone looks up, sort of stretches, visibly out of character.

F:
This blindfold is itchy as hell. I have to talk to costuming about this thing.

G enters from audience.

G:
That was alright, but it is nowhere near as good as we need to be for opening night. Let’s take it again from when you discover he is dead.

A:

From when I say, “He’s dead”?

G:
Yeah, and try to heighten the anger and emotion a little bit.

G walks back to his seat. Everyone goes back to their places.




THE END

1 comment:

Unknown said...

That was really funny. And then when I imagined you doing all the voices for ABCDEF, it became even funnier.